The Adderall Diaries by Stephen Elliott

Let me first preface this review with the fact that no words that I put down here will do this book justice...it's intricacies seem to elude me when it comes to a richly worded review. But, nonetheless I feel the need to review it, if for no other reason than it's one of the few books that touched me on a deeper emotional and mental level than most. My review purposely skirts the true "meat" of the book. It's something one has to experience themselves to really absorb...

The Adderall Dairies is Stephen Elliott's latest endeavor that, unlike his other works, doesn't relate reality as fiction, but instead comes on as emotionally turbulent ride through a section of Elliott's reality; interwoven with the reality of a murder trial that catches his attention and then quickly develops into a saving grace for not only his creativity, but maybe his life (my take, not his words).

The book immediately thrusts the reader into a time when the author has a severe case of writer's block that's exacerbating a depression that just seems to snowball. He's taking Adderall in hopes of alleviating the block and the depression. In his search for a redemption of sorts, he stumbles upon someone who confesses to multiple murders, which then leads him to the trail of a man who murdered his wife.

The book winds it's way through Stephen's life, his relationships with women, his remembrances of childhood, issues with his father, and a vast amount of introspection and acceptance of himself, his assets and his flaws.

What is seemingly a stream-of-conscious meandering through this period of his life becomes a succinct depiction of how a person views himself through the circumstances surrounding him. The prose becomes almost poetic in it's emotion and depth and the reader can't help but feel Elliott's pain, champion his accomplishments, and at times, wish to lend an ear, a shoulder, a bed, or an escape.

The Adderall Dairies is a memoir that simultaneously disturbs and engrosses the reader, engaging them in a world that is both foreign and familiar. Though Elliott's circumstances are much different than many, the underlying thoughts and emotions--failure, anger, questioning, pain, and occasional contentment happen to everyone at various levels over the entirety of their lives. Once you get accustomed to the rhythm of Elliott's writing, the book becomes one you have trouble putting down and evokes a need to repeatedly pick it up and read it again--because you know there's some nuance you missed somewhere in those pages.

Personal aside: One of my favorite elements of anything I read is when it touches emotion(s) in me that I either didn't want to admit existed or spent a lot of time tamping down. Though I've never spent time in a group home, lived on the street, experienced more than a cursory dabbling in any drug culture, or delved into anything beyond a perfunctory knowledge of BDSM...there was such a raw honesty about Stephen's experiences that I related to them on gut level that is rare for me (with a book or another human being). I understood the debilitating depression and seeking out experiences and people that would make me forget about it, if just for a little while. I remember that lost feeling when the path I opted to take seemed to dead-end and I looked at it with blank eyes and no idea where to go from there. I felt that resentment and ire towards a family member and know how difficult it was to lend them some forgiveness so I could eventually forgive myself.

Oddly enough, The Adderall Diaries started out being a book I wanted to read because it was recommended (and admittedly, the author is hot--which is always a plus when reading intimate accounts of his/her life), but became a catharsis...a way for me to accept the things I didn't/wouldn't admit about me to myself and to others. It's honesty, in some ways, has led me to mine.